Learning to Live with the Absence: Moving Through the Sludge of Grief
Reflections, education, and practical tips on coping with grief.
I have been encountering so much grief lately. Personally, the month of October is a difficult one due to my own loss, and the losses of those close to me. Professionally, I’ve encountered an influx of grief-related cases as well, which can be challenging when managing my own grief. I also think the holiday season often brings up grief—when we think of it as a time to connect, reflect, and celebrate with loved ones, we naturally think of those who are no longer with us. With the topic being so prevalent last month, and this time of year in general, I felt that I could benefit from writing about it for my own process, and maybe even offer something to others.
What is grief?
Grief is huge, heavy, painful, all-consuming, shocking, overwhelming—and so much more. It is such an unexplainable and complex emotion that many don’t know how to cope, how to be supported, or how to offer support.
The most common thing I hear from others is that people expect you to just move on. Your grief can make them uncomfortable, and they may want you to stop talking about it for their own sake. Often, it isn’t that they mean harm—they simply don’t know what to do to help, and sharing the burden of such a huge, heavy emotion can feel like too much for some.
I have experienced this myself–feeling that life has moved on while I am still so deeply drowning in the sorrow of loss. It’s not that anyone did or said anything in particular to make me feel this way; it’s just that I was stuck in it, and life was moving on around me.
The Grieving Brain
Grief is such a complex experience in terms of what is happening in your brain. There are so many factors that contribute to each individual experience of grief. One book that has helped me better understand this process is The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary‑Frances O’Connor.
Dr. O’Connor explains that grief isn’t just an emotional experience — it’s also a neurological one. She describes how our brains build “maps” of our relationships and routines, and when someone is lost, those maps need to be redrawn. I often use her metaphor in session: imagine walking from your bedroom to the kitchen and expecting to bump into your kitchen table, only to find it’s gone. Your body and brain still anticipate that familiar contact, and when it doesn’t happen, you freeze, you search, you feel disoriented. That is what the brain does when processing the absence of someone or something significant: it expects patterns that no longer exist, and it must learn a new way to navigate the world.
Grief, then, is a kind of learning. The brain is trying to reconcile the world as it was with the world as it is now. The anger, the guilt, the longing, the moments of disbelief — they aren’t just side effects. They are the brain’s way of recalibrating to the absence, learning a new reality, and integrating the change into life.
Understanding this helps reframe a common experience: feeling “stuck” while life moves on around you isn’t a failure. It’s the brain doing its work, updating its map, and gradually creating new landmarks. And when we give ourselves space — through reflection, journaling, or supportive practices — we support that process, helping our minds and bodies adapt to the new terrain.
Supporting the Grieving Brain: Practical Ways to Navigate Loss
If grief is your brain recalibrating to a world that has shifted, then supporting it means creating opportunities for that recalibration to happen safely, gently, and intentionally. It’s less about “fixing” yourself or rushing through emotions, and more about giving your mind and body permission to adjust at their own pace.
Here are some ways to do that:
Move Your Body
Even small amounts of movement help the nervous system regulate and integrate emotional experiences. A short walk, stretching, gentle yoga, or simply changing your environment can give your brain sensory feedback about the world being here and safe, helping the “map” update.Notice and Name Your Emotions
Grief can be confusing, full of contradictory feelings. Naming emotions as they arise—anger, guilt, longing, relief, or even joy—gives your brain a reference point. It helps you track patterns and gradually understand your unique grief process. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist can provide that space.Honor Rituals and Memory
Whether it’s lighting a candle, writing a letter, or revisiting a shared song or place, small rituals anchor memory in a safe, contained way. They allow your brain to acknowledge the loss while creating a bridge to the present.Create Moments of Connection
Even brief moments of social connection — a text, a shared coffee, a check-in — remind the brain that while some patterns have shifted, new support and relationships exist. These moments reinforce the safety needed for emotional processing.Be Gentle With the Timeline
There is no “right” length of time for grief. The brain works on its own schedule. Some days may feel heavier than others. Some memories may resurface unexpectedly. Giving yourself permission to ride these waves, without judgment, supports integration rather than avoidance.Reflect, Don’t Rush
Writing, journaling, or blogging (like this!) is not just cathartic—it’s a form of recalibrating the brain. Reflection allows the mind to process the loss in a narrative, which strengthens memory, understanding, and meaning-making.
Conclusion: Living With Grief, Not Against It
Grief is not a problem to solve or a timeline to meet. It is a process — sometimes slow, sometimes messy, sometimes quiet — that asks us to notice, to reflect, and to move gently through the spaces left behind. It touches our brains, our bodies, and our hearts all at once.
For me, writing this blog has been part of that process. It’s a way to honor my own grief and to offer a mirror for others who may be navigating similar terrain. Professionally, I see the same patterns in my clients: the disorientation, the conflicting emotions, the weight of expectation that grief “should be over.” And yet, through intentional reflection, movement, ritual, and connection, I watch the brain gradually learn a new map — one that allows life to continue, even if it looks different than before.
If you are grieving, I want to offer a few gentle reminders:
Give yourself permission to feel, fully and without judgment.
Seek small, steady ways to support your body, mind, and nervous system.
Honor memories, but also notice the new spaces you are creating in your life.
And know that it is okay to ask for help, whether from a friend, a therapist, or a community that holds space for your grief.
Grief changes us, but it also teaches us. It teaches us about love, about presence, about resilience, and about how deeply we can carry what matters. As you move through your own experience, may you give yourself the grace to learn from grief, to walk with it rather than against it, and to gradually find a rhythm in a world that has been forever shifted. And in the midst of it all, I hope that you’re able to notice the small moments, the reflections, the connections, and even in the unexpected ways life continues to move forward.